Parental Conflict – A Guide for Parents

Parental Conflict – A Guide for Parents

What is Parental Conflict?

Parental conflict is a way of talking about the difficulties some couples and co-parents may experience in their relationships with one another. All relationships have challenges and arguing and disagreeing is normal but when that conflict is poorly resolved, and we don’t find solutions it can be harmful. Parental conflict may include regular bickering, arguing, micro-managing issues such as contact, lack of positive communication, name-calling, and point-scoring.

Parental conflict is not the same as Domestic Abuse. It does not involve coercive control, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse and does not involve either party feeling fearful of the other. If you feel your relationship may be abusive please visit IDAS https://idas.org.uk/ for support and information.

What does it mean for your child?

When parents communicate, cooperate, and collaborate and act as a team, whether or not they are together as a couple, their children do better. When children are exposed to conflict that is frequent, intense and poorly resolved it can impact in how children feel, how they behave and how well they do at school and with their friends. Children of all ages and stages from new-born babies to young adults can be affected by conflict between those adults who matter most to them.

We might think that if we don’t argue in front of the children then it won’t be harmful. But even if children don’t see or hear the arguments, they still know they are happening. They will pick up on tension and atmosphere, they will notice that things feel different, and they may notice the family routine changing.

We also know that when you and your child’s other parent are in conflict it can damage the relationship, they as children have with you, their parents.

What causes conflict in relationships?

Where do we start!! Lots of the normal pressures of busy family life can pile on the stress and trigger arguments and conflict. Typically arguments might include things like

• Money
• Working hours
• House work / household tasks
• How we parent the children
• What other family members think / say
• Lack of intimacy and time as a couple
• Arrival of a new baby
• Lack of sleep
• Dealing with own / children’s / family members health needs

These are just examples. Every family is different but these things can happen to anyone and it can be easy to let unhelpful conflict behaviours sneak in and become normal in our relationships. They can soon become a habit.

What are unhelpful conflict behaviours?

• Shouting
• Bickering
• Sulking
• Bringing up issues from the past over and over again
• Avoiding talking about problems that need addressing
• Criticism / name calling
• Talking over one another
• Using the child as a messenger, or as a spy or a judge and encouraging them to take sides
• Sharing too much information with the child about the relationship issues.

What help is available?

Relationships are hard and relationship breakdown can be very painful and impact on everyone involved – adults and children.  We want to ensure that parents and children have access to good quality, non-judgemental support. There are lots of ways you can get support in North Yorkshire.

You can sign up for one of three FREE online packages you can work through in your own time

They are

• Me, you and baby too – for new and expectant parents
• Arguing Better – for couples who want to improve how they communicate
• Getting it right for children – for separating or separated parents

These digital resource packages can be found here Digital resources (oneplusone.org.uk)

There are also some great videos and resources at https://www.seeitdifferently.org/

Page reviewed: July 2024