Parental Conflict – A Guide for Professionals
In North Yorkshire we are committed to supporting families to build strong relationships.
Whether parents are together or separated the relationships they have with each other really matter, and when parents get on, their children do better. Parents and other caring adults are hugely important to their children, and when those adults are able to effectively communicate and cooperate, it can have a positive impact on a child’s life. There are things that professionals can do to support parents relationships.
What sort of behaviours are harmful?
Whether together, separated or divorced all couples and co-parents will have arguments or disagree sometimes. But if that conflict is frequent and intense it can be harmful to both children and to adults too. All couples and co-parents may experience challenges in their relationships but when that conflict is poorly resolved and they are unable to find solutions it can be damaging. Parental conflict may include regular bickering, arguing, micro-managing issues such as contact, lack of positive communication, name-calling and point-scoring. It may also involve the children as they are used as messengers, spies, mediators or confidants, all of which may impact on their wellbeing.
Having curiosity about the parental relationship is crucial. Talking to parents about how they manage arguments and disagreements can open up useful conversations. We want to ask ourselves “How would I describe the health of the relationship between these two people?”
Amity have produced a video which explains relationship dynamics in more detail:
Parental conflict is not the same as Domestic Abuse. It does not involve coercive control, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse and does not involve either party feeling fearful of the other. Parental conflict is when parents struggle to get on without disagreeing but where the relationship is an equal one.
“Experts on domestic abuse recognise that it is evidently distinct from parental conflict. One is about two parents feeling able to express their feelings and wishes (albeit not always in a constructive or positive way), but the other is about one partner exerting power and control over another – even where a victim may attempt to resist that control” Nicole Jacobs, Domestic Abuse Commissioner for England and Wales
When we show curiosity about the couple or co-parent relationship we become better able to identify both parental conflict AND domestic abuse. If you are concerned that parents you are working with are experiencing domestic abuse please visit https://idas.org.uk/get-help-now/ or call 03000 110 110.
You can read more about Domestic Abuse, including coercive control here:
Impact on Children
Research shows us that if children and young people are exposed to poor, conflictual or distressed relationships around them, it can have a negative impact on all aspects of their life. Their schoolwork, their health, their wellbeing and their relationships with other people, including their parents may suffer. We also see links between the relationships surrounding children and the behaviour they display. Often parents will focus on the child’s behaviour rather than understanding how their adult relationships are influencing that behaviour.
Children don’t have to see or hear arguments to know they are happening. Children will sense arguments and hostility and may feel guilty, think it’s their fault and worry about what might happen. Children can feel caught up in the middle of conflict.
Children of all ages are affected by parental conflict. Having conversations with parents about how their couple / co-parent relationships impact on the child is really important.
We could ask “How do you think your child would describe the relationship between you and their other parent? What words might they use?”. It’s a great way to help parents see the family world through their child’s eyes.
In summary, the quality of the interparental relationship, specifically how parents communicate and relate to each other, is increasingly recognised as a primaryinfluence on effective parenting practices and children’s long-term mental health and future life chances.
Further details of the research findings are available here https://www.eif.org.uk/report/what-works-to-enhance-interparental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
This short video provides a child’s perspective on parental conflict:
Talking with parents about relationships
No relationship is perfect, and it’s normal for couples to face challenges at different points. Sometimes these challenges are linked to big life events, such as the arrival of a new baby and sometimes they come from day‑to‑day pressures like money worries, work stress, or sharing household responsibilities.
Practitioners play a key role in helping parents feel comfortable talking about their relationships. By normalising these conversations and highlighting how relationship quality affects children’s wellbeing, you can create a safe space for parents to reflect without feeling judged or blamed.
Relationships are complex, and many parents may not realise how much their child has been affected by ongoing tension or stress. When parents feel understood, they’re better able to make small changes that strengthen their relationship and support their child’s wellbeing.
Practitioners can support parents by:
- Normalising conversations about relationships
- Emphasising how adult relationships influence children’s wellbeing
- Creating a safe, non‑judgemental space for reflection
- Helping parents feel understood rather than blamed
When parents feel supported, they are more able to make small, meaningful changes that strengthen their relationship and improve outcomes for their children.
This video “Chloe’s Story” shows examples of harmful communication and helpful ways of dealing with a stressful situation:
Resources to support professionals
Relate
Offers a wide range of self‑help tools, advice and guidance to support healthy relationships.
- https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/toolkits/co-parenting-separate-houses
- https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/we-cant-stop-arguing
Relate also offers the In the Middle Bot, which helps parents consider communication from their child’s point of view: https://www.relate.org.uk/reducing-parental-conflict/in-the-middle-bot
Relationship Matters
Supports families and couples—whether together or separated—to understand and build healthy relationships. https://relationshipsmatter.org.uk/
Family Lives
Coram Family Lives provides support to families experiencing challenges such as relationship breakdown, conflict, behaviour difficulties, debt, and emotional or mental wellbeing concerns. https://www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/relationship-advice/
See It Differently
Offers a range of videos showing the impact of parental conflict on children, along with practical advice and strategies to support healthier communication. https://www.seeitdifferently.org/
Gingerbread
A charity supporting single parents across England and Wales, offering advice, information and opportunities to connect with others. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
For more information contact Reducing Parental Conflict Lead
Steph Campbell
Page reviewed: June 2026
View all our news